We met in third grade We both were new The time where you are really loving to read (at least I was) The chapters books were piling up The excitement of reading bigger books solo is palpable then + now I felt this when I worked at elementary schools doing literacy work I was bit nervous on my first day My mom was pregnant with my brother back when we still held onto the surprise of a birth to get a name and a gender (or first one) All the caregivers were in the classrooms in those boxes of four tiny desks and chairs just made for kids We sat next to another daughter and mother whose mom was also pregnant My mom in only mom fashion told the girl I was new at school asked if she would be my friend I was totally embarrassed then but realize now it was out of love And my mom knew what she was doing The girl and her mom lived down the street of the new place we moved, and our friendship took off Off, off Like go everywhere, do everything together for decades, school stuff, outside of school stuff We became fixtures in each other’s households We moved in unison likes sisters We would walk halfway home or to meet between our houses We watched the first reality show together- shoutout to the real world when it was more real We had more sleepovers than anyone could count Rules for visiting each other's houses were different than other friends When I tore up my test in the 9th grade when that teacher made fun of me in front of the whole class- she was the first voice I heard to defend me. I said then and would say now “I wouldn’t take a test of a teacher who would use my personal business to make fun of me in front of everyone” (ps for years people came up to me saying this was one of their favorite moments in high school) Our parents came together as a team defending us when they got called to school because of this She helped me figure how to ask the first guy out to a dance for turnabout or sadie hawkins because gender roles were even more narrow She wrote me a script because I got so nervous I did it over the landline and he said yes And years later cheered me on when I was brave enough to ask one of the cuter and kinder juniors to senior prom in the quad because I was going to my senior prom He said yes too, and he was my only high school boyfriend He made me lunches and wrote notes short ones in hidden places and longer letters when I would leave town Stuff I didn’t know would go away or become way less at some point in adulthood All my friends would make fun of me I didn’t care I loved someone actually making small efforts and still do
We participated in so many toilet paper wars our parents begged us to stop. My dad looked at me over breakfast and was like Kate B. -this is out of hand- in that voice that is only reserved for serious talks Toilet paper, whipped cream, caution tape, compost once, peanut butter and jelly in the door handles of cars (specific to whose house it was because some of us were driving) We would steal tp from diners and shove them down our pants Go to Safeway's and stock up on tp and whip cream and other things we used, and the checkout person was never chill about it We collected things we found to use There was a no dumping sign and other signs we found on the outskirts of Sonoma County There were garden gnomes in there and so much tp and flour one time I got hit by a group lead by someone who had a crush who I guess was crushed by me I wish for less cameras so kids somewhere could do this again We learned how to apply to college together and how to do FAFSA (which was by paper) and get our parents on board. We were on a mission to go to a 4-year school No one was really going then Our working-class high school even though in a suburb had more in common with urban and rural schools than their suburban counterparts Half of our class did not make it to graduation day (at least at that school graduation) Our class had the highest percentage of folks that day who went to 4 years and it was still very small We even went to college together This wasn’t planned I got the most financial aid there and had to go Plus, it was in the city, the city that raised three generations and my heart was in the city We eventually had our falling out which happens after graduation at some point Especially when you live in unison for so long We had some interactions (very brief) here and there when I would be back from the east coast or visiting mutual friends years later-- with time things were cordial and respectful But when my mom died. I just wanted to be around someone who knew my mom. Really knew her. Knew her beyond her challenges. Knew her beyond the diseases she struggled with. But knew her glow. Knew her when she had her best days or best years for bringing me to school and volunteering in the pottery and art time in class. Or the cool projects she would do at our house. The fun and freedom she gave us even as kids. If you knew my mom and you know me- there is a piece of fun and being in the moment with kids that existed for both of us. She played with us. She didn’t just push the swing. She was on the swing. She was doing art with us. She let us make messes and have fun. We had words we made up shared between mother and daughter. She would stand up when she needed to and be bold. There are so many parts of me that came from her. Parts that people have ignored. Parts that matter more than a mental illness diagnosis ever could. Parts that I always remember. Parts I beg people to never forget. Parts of her are me. Not just the way I Iook like her(which we look a lot alike) and our shared green eyes. I wanted someone who knew her in her full humanity like I knew her. So I took a tiny leap. A powerful one and reached out after my mom passed away to my childhood best friend. Months later after she passed away. And she responded. Texts moved to phone calls. We talked on the phone for hours at a time again. Like our landline days. Catching up on decades and laughing and crying. We agreed to leave the argument in the 20s behind. And start again.
She took her leap and invited me to her wedding days soon after and I made it happen and was there.
And we never looked back.
My mom.
Brought us together that first time and once again.
And she is smiling somewhere knowingly as a mom only could.